10 Things Dual-Military Women Dont Tell Their Spouse.jpg

  1. We Get Envious of “Normal” Military Spouses:  Being a military member is a challenge. It is a demanding job that requires major sacrifice from our families. Being a military spouse is also a challenge. This is often claimed to be the hardest job in the military. But being in both roles simultaneously is a whole different level of challenging. We want to be a good supportive spouse to you. We want to support you and be able to create a home wherever the military sends us. But we also want to fulfill our military duty and obligations without hesitation. We see the Pinterest posts of the perfect military wife, the blogger creating the perfect home at every duty station, the stay-at-home mom raising the perfect children. Part of us wants to be able to do that for you. But we also want to have the shining military career for ourselves. We can get frustrated that we can’t give a 100% to both roles 100% of the time.
  2. We Feel Misunderstood:  The general public seems to forget that women are also in the military. And there are more of us every day. But in general conversation, we get shocked or concerned looks when we mention what we do for a living. We are judged for being too masculine, being career focused, being irresponsible to our family, being a radical feminist, or being just plain insane. We get questions asking how long we “have left in the service” as if we were forced to be in the military. We get worried comments about finding time for our family and our spouse. Heaven forbid, what happens if we were to get deployed? We field constant advice on how we should handle our relationships and our careers from people who have never served a day. Yet, you get respect, a thank you, and a handshake. We want the same recognition for what we do because we are also protecting freedom.
  3. We Sometimes Feel Like Our Career Comes Second:  You are a rockstar. That’s why we are with you. You are successful and smart and motivated. But so are we. The military is a world for men. It is often assumed that we will follow you around the world. There is a societal expectation that if someone has to get out of the military, it would be us because we should focus on our family and support our spouse. We want you to take the next leadership position and volunteer for that next deployment. But we don’t want to give up those same amazing opportunities in our career either. This sometimes forces us to be separated for long periods of time. It is hard, but we worked hard to get to wear this uniform too.
  4. We Still Want to be a Good Homemaker:  Yes, we are career focused. We love what we do. But we still want to provide a loving, comforting home for you and our families. The military doesn’t care what your home life is like. They care where they need you. We want to make things feel like home, no matter where we end up. We want the laundry to be done and dinner to be made. We just need your help to accomplish this dream. We won’t always be home to make sure the dog is fed or the living room gets vacuumed. But it doesn’t mean we don’t want to do these things for you. And we appreciate when you pitch in, even if we don’t say so.
  5. We Worry About You:  We know exactly what you do. We know where you’re going, even when you can’t tell us. We understand your OpSec code without a question. We know we may not talk to you every day. And we know that every time we talk to you could be our last. We worry about you because we have the inside scoop on things the civilian public may not know yet. We simply know too much. We know you are good at what you do, which is why you get selected for certain missions. But we hate that you have to go on them. We carry on our normal jobs like nothing is happening and everything is fine, but keep an extra close eye on the news just to make sure we don’t have to worry too much.
  6. We Are Proud of You:  We love being with someone who is in the military. People respect you. We respect you. You represent what our country stands for. You are patriotic, selfless, and committed. We share the same core values, and this is one of the reasons we were attracted to you. We love telling people what you do for a living because we know you have stepped up to do a job most Americans wouldn’t consider.
  7. We Are Proud of Ourselves: We are well-educated, we worked hard, we are smart and we have accomplished major goals in our life. We have gotten where we are in a male-driven society; we know it is an achievement. All the reasons you are proud of your career are the same reasons we are proud of ours. We went through so many things that most women haven’t, and we know we are part of a small select group. It gives us a feeling of fulfillment and honor.
  8. We Are Jealous You Look Good in Your Uniform:  No woman looks good in their military uniform- at least without some major tailoring. They were designed by men who hate women or women who hate being women. Either way, they are not cut to be flattering on any female. They either make us look like we have no figure or too much of a figure. No woman’s waist is 3 feet higher than her crotch, or has shoulders 4 times wider than her waist. We look ridiculous. We know it. We hate it. It’s hard to be proud of your work when you’re uncomfortable and look poorly put together. But we deal with it because we want to serve and that is what we are told we have to wear.  And we look particularly goofy when we accidentally grab your PT gear.  You on the other hand, look fit and trim. A properly worn uniform on most men make them look clean cut and successful. We found you sexy in your uniform. On the other hand, we know you must really love us because you find us pretty, despite ours.
  9. We Don’t Always Mind You Being Gone:  Sure, we always miss you. We don’t love you being gone. But sometimes we don’t mind. We get to focus on ourselves and our careers without feeling guilty. And yes, sometimes we feel guilty for focusing on ourselves. Even if you don’t want us to. The times you are gone are times we can spend the extra time on a hobby, pick up an extra shift, take a class, or take a nap. We take advantage of these breaks to regroup, refresh and refocus. But we can’t wait for you to get home.
  10. We Need Your Encouragement:  We need your support and encouragement to go for that next promotion or take on the little collateral duty that will stand out on our next FitRep. We know every minute we are spending on our career, is less time we are spending with you and our family. So we need you to tell us it is ok. We want to be successful and we want to take the next step, but we need you to be behind us when we do. It may be as simple as taking over a household chore so we have a little extra time or by randomly sending us flowers to make us see that you have our back. Our biggest fear is that you will feel like we only care about our career.


  1. This is great! I’m not in the military but my husband went to the Naval Academy and we know a lot of dual military couples from there. Y’all have it rough! I have so much respect for y’all and I wish you the best of luck ❤


  2. I’m in love with your blog!
    My husband is active duty Navy and I am anxiously awaiting the results from my boards so I can commission. Your blog already has so much information and it’s so relatable. I cannot wait to read more!

    Would you guys consider posting about your ODS experiences and about how it was when you were first in? I know it’s not the exact same as OCS but I’d love to hear your perspective!


    1. Thanks Hannah! I’m glad you are enjoying our blog. Are you awaiting your nursing boards? We both went to DCO school in Newport. That is a great suggestion for a topic (especially because we met there!). I will work on it for you. Enjoy reading and good luck to you and your hubby.


      1. No ma’am! I’m awaiting boards for NFO. A bit different from the DCO but in Newport as well. I’ll be watching the blog for that post 🙂


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